The colleague who agrees in the meeting but resists afterwards

There is a particular kind of agreement that sounds perfectly convincing in a meeting.

“Yes, absolutely.”

“Of course.”

“Yes, that makes sense.”

Everyone leaves the room believing that a decision has been made. Then the following week arrives, and something rather peculiar happens.

Emails remain unanswered. Tasks move very slowly. New concerns suddenly appear. The colleague who seemed completely supportive in the meeting starts explaining why the plan may be difficult, premature or perhaps not quite suitable after all.

They agreed in the room and began resisting the moment they left it.

The yes that does not mean yes

This behaviour is often described as passive-aggressive, and sometimes it is. But not always.

Some people agree because disagreeing in public feels uncomfortable. They do not want conflict, they do not want to embarrass anyone and they certainly do not want to be seen as difficult in front of the entire team.

So they nod.

A Green colleague may think: I don’t like this, but I don’t want an argument.

A Blue may think: This plan contains several obvious problems, but there is no point discussing them in a room where nobody listens.

A Yellow may agree enthusiastically because the idea sounds exciting, only to lose interest when the work actually begins.

Even a Red may say yes simply to end a meeting that has already gone on far too long. (He just wants it to end).

Different reasons. Same dangerous result.

The leader believes there is commitment. The team believes they merely survived the discussion.

Agreement is not commitment

Thing is, a person can agree with a general idea without agreeing with the deadline or the method or their own role in making it happen.

This is why asking, “Are we all agreed?” proves surprisingly little. It is easy to agree with a vague ambition such as improving communication, increasing sales or becoming more customer-focused.

That’s not a problem. The trouble starts when somebody has to do something.

Instead of asking whether everyone agrees, ask more specific questions:

• “What concerns do you still have?”
• “What part of this do you disagree with?”
• “What will you personally do after this meeting?”
• “What might prevent you from doing it?”
• “What support do you need from me?”

These questions make polite agreement considerably more difficult. They also give people permission to raise objections while there is still time to deal with them.

Watch what happens after the meeting

Talk is cheap. The real test of agreement is not what people say around the table. It is what they do afterwards.

The next time everyone seems to agree suspiciously quickly, do not celebrate just yet. Instead, dig a bit deeper. You may discover that the meeting ended with far less agreement than it appeared.

Do you know someone who always agrees in the meeting … and objects afterwards?

Forward this before the next decision disappears into the corridor.