The problem with people who always need to be right

We’ve all met them. The people who turn every conversation into a contest. The ones who can’t just discuss – they have to win.

It’s not always about ego.
Often, it’s about control. Or insecurity. Or just a deeply ingrained habit of seeing every interaction as a verbal sparring match.

In 2013, researchers at the University of California, Berkeley, published a study on the dynamics of power in conversations. They found that people with a high need for control often interrupt more, speak louder, and dominate discussions, not necessarily because they’re more confident, but rather because they feel less secure.

Maybe not all too surprising. But what does it mean?

They talk more because they’re afraid of being ignored. How clever.
They frankly push harder because they’re worried they’ll be overlooked if they don’t make themselves heard and seen.

They try to win because they’re terrified of losing.

How do you know you’re talking to a “conversational gladiator”:

1. They always have the last word
   • They can’t let a point go unchallenged. Ever.
   • Even if it’s just to correct your pronunciation of “niche.”
2. They “yes, but” you to death
   • No matter what you say, they’ll find a way to disagree.
   • “Yes, but…”
   • “Actually…”
   • “Technically…”
   • If you said the sky was blue, they’d point out that it’s actually a mix of nitrogen and oxygen scattering sunlight.
3. They listen to reload, not to understand
   • They’re not really listening to you.
   • They’re just waiting for you to stop talking so they can get back to their main point.

Quick tip:

If you recognize yourself here (don’t worry, we all do sometimes), try this:
Instead of pushing back with “Actually…”, try asking, “What do you mean?” or “Tell me more about that.” Or: “How did you come to that conclusion?”

You might find the conversation goes deeper – and ends better.

A colourful moment:

I meet lots of really interesting people. After a talk in UK, a woman came up to me, crossed her arms, tilted her head, and said:

“I liked your lecture, but you missed something.”
I said, “Oh? What’s that?”
She said, “You forgot to mention people like me.”
I said, “What kind of people?”
She smiled and said, “People who never lose an argument.”
I said, “I did mention you. I just called you exhausting.”
She frowned.
I said, “I’m just being honest.”
She nodded.
Then walked away, probably convinced she’d won the argument.

And frankly, maybe she did.

See you next Wednesday.
//Thomas