It’s not gender. It’s colour-coded chaos.

(A not-too-serious guide to men, women, and the misunderstandings between them)

Let’s get one thing straight: men and women argue. A lot. About small things. Big things. Things that didn’t exist five minutes ago. And more often than not — it’s not really about gender.

It’s about behavioural wiring. So in this week’s edition, I want to introduce you to four hypothetical couples. They love each other. Sort of. Sometimes. When the dishwasher isn’t involved, that is.

1. The Red Man & the Green Woman
   He wants results. She wants harmony. He says, “Just tell me what’s wrong.” She says, “If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you.”This dynamic turns every dinner into a board meeting where only one person thinks there’s an agenda.He: “What’s for dinner?”
   She: [Silence.]
   He: “Why are you angry?”
   She: “I’m not angry.”
   He: “Yes, you are.”
   She: “No, I’m disappointed.”She wanted empathy. He offered a spreadsheet. Nobody wins.
2. The Yellow Woman & the Blue Man
   She talks with jazz hands. He replies with bullet points. She’s emotionally airborne before he’s even found the weather report.She: “Let’s go to Venice this weekend!”
   He: “That’s geographically and financially irresponsible.”
   She: “You never just do anything!”
   He: “You never just plan anything.”He reads manuals. She reads vibes. At some point he will build a Gantt chart of her feelings. At some point she will light it on fire.
3. The Green Man & the Red Woman
   She’s decisive. He’s … available. She doesn’t have opinions. She has declarations. He doesn’t have a backbone. He has a yoga mat.She: “We’re going to my sister’s.”
   He: “But we said – ”
   She: “We’re going.”
   He: “Okay.”
   Twenty years later he’ll say he never liked her sister.
   She’ll say, “You should have said something.”
   He’ll say, “You would’ve killed me.”
4. The Blue Woman & the Yellow Man
   He’s sunshine. She’s structure. He forgets the shopping list. She remembers everything since 2003.She: “Why didn’t you pick up the thing?”
   He: “Which thing?”
   She: “The one I texted you about!”
   He: “I didn’t see the text.”
   She: “It’s right there! With a photo!”He’s confused. She’s furious. He’ll buy tulips to make up for it. She’ll reply with a calendar invite labelled “READ THE TEXT NEXT TIME.”