In all communication, it’s the recipient who is in the driving seat

Here’s the thing: people see what they see and they hear what they hear.

You knew what you wanted to say, so you said it as you saw it in your head. Setting aside for one moment how you expressed yourself, what you chose to emphasise, the tone of voice you adopted and what your face looked like as you said it – what came out came out.

But what remains of what you said to someone after it has been filtered through that person’s frame of reference, views, attitudes, experiences, prejudices and preconceived notions is ultimately the message that has been understood. They may, for various reasons, perceive what you are seeking to convey in an entirely different way than you intended.

Of course, just how much is understood varies depending on who you’re talking to, but it’s very rare that the full message arrives exactly as you pictured it in your own head.

Perhaps it’s even a little depressing to have so little control over what the recipient understands. No matter how much you want to hammer it into their thick skull, there’s really not much you can do about it and therein lies the rub. Naturally, you can consider this one of life’s many challenges. God knows we can learn from facing down our challenges, but there’s no way to change what makes the recipient tick.

Most people are probably aware of and sensitive to how they would like to be treated. But as you and I both know, the world is rarely that simple. But by adapting yourself to how other people want to be treated, you will become more effective in your communication.

Does it matter how we treat each other?

Excellent question. You can help people to understand you by creating a secure arena for communication – on their terms. That means the recipient can expend their energy on understanding what you’re saying instead of consciously or unconsciously reacting to the way you communicate.

People really are very different. There are so many dimensions to consider that simply thinking about it can leave you a little perplexed. We all need to develop some flexibility so that we can vary our communication style and adapt it when talking to people who don’t function in the same way we do.

Because that’s another truth: no matter how we choose to communicate, you, the individual, will always be in a minority. Whatever your type of behaviour is, the majority will work in a different way. And there’s always going to be more of them.

My mother was wrong – don’t treat others as you’d like to be treated. It’s a nice thought – but a misguided one. Sorry, Mum.

You can’t base everything on yourself. This flexibility and ability to interpret other people’s needs and adapt yourself according to these observations is what characterises a good communicator.

Being familiar with and understanding another person’s behavioural style and way of communicating means that your guesses become more sophisticated in terms of how that person might react in different situations. This understanding also dramatically increases your ability to get through to said individual.